I don't know about you, but I tend to interact with text when I read. By that, I mean I stop and think about things in relation to my life. So yes, that makes me a slow reader.
Here's an example.
I recently picked up a book by Denise Linn titled The Gift of Low Self-Esteem. Interesting title, right? Within the first few pages, she presents the idea that low self-esteem can be a superpower. Now that's quite the hook! Since I'm fascinated by psychology, I dove in.
In the first chapter, Linn makes the case that people with low self-esteem tend to seek ways to improve it. That makes sense. She describes numerous characteristics of low self-esteem, including feeling incompetent, believing one is unworthy of success, experiencing imposter syndrome, needing to please others, lacking a sense of identity, and being overly sensitive, empathetic, and compassionate.
By contrast, she shares research suggesting that people with high self-esteem can be opinionated, judgmental, unconcerned about other's feelings; lack empathy and compassion for others but not themselves; and feel superior to others.
This gave me pause.
Linn's characterization of people with high self-esteem sounded like narcissism. Hmmm. So now I'm wondering: maybe we don't want to be plagued with high self-esteem. Is high self-esteem negative? I need to look that up.
I've always thought of high self-esteem as being secure in one's sense of self, while low self-esteem suggests something problematic. Is Linn suggesting the opposite?
Having done a great deal of research on narcissism and codependency while writing my recent novel The Narcissist's Friend, I realized that Linn's descriptions of low self-esteem are very similar to characteristics seen in people with codependency issues.
Does this imply that narcissism a subcategory of high self-esteem, or that all people with high self-esteem are narcissistic? Could it be that codependency a result of low self-esteem?
A couple of other questions come to mind: Are we born with low self-esteem? is it a result of childhood wounds? I've encountered discussions suggesting that both narcissism and codependency may result from a fear of rejection. Could this be true of self-esteem issues?
In my novel, The Narcissist's Friend, the main character, Julie Bennet, illustrates the fear-of-rejection premise as she examines her relationship with Craig. Okay... that was a plug for my novel. Sorry.
As I continued reading about the self-esteem of celebrities in Linn's book, I began wondering about my own self-esteem.
As a new novelist and blogger, I occasionally feel proud of something I've penned, but more often I feel like I've written drivel and fear no one will like it... or even read it. This sounds like an indication of low self-esteem.
But wait... There are times when I can be opinionated, judgmental, and even a bit superior about some things. Is this what Linn considers high self? It seems more like an inflated ego or narcissistic thinking.
I've experienced obsessive and anxious thoughts and physical stress when dealing with problems and issues outside of my expertise, like health issues. Is this an indication of low self-esteem? Or just run-of-the-mill anxiety about things beyond my control?
There are times when I'm filled with empathy and compassion for someone who's been dealt a bad hand or whose wounds have led them to bad places. After all, we've all been wounded. On the other hand, I generally lack empathy for anyone who is cruel to others. This sounds like a mix of low and high self-esteem as described by Linn. But are empathy and compassion signs of low self-esteem? Or are they manifestations of loving-kindness?
Where the Rabbit Hole Led
To be clear, I am not evaluating or critiquing Linn's book. I'm simply illustrating how I pondered the overlap of characteristics between narcissism and high self-esteem, as well as codependency and low self-esteem, while reading. And in all fairness, the point of her book is to demonstrate how people can capitalize on low self-esteem for their own good. And I'm looking forward to reading the remainder of the book
There is a point here.
I decided to take you with me on this dive into my reading habits is illustrate how our minds can meander and take us to unexpected places.
The human brains are always busy. We've all been sucked down rabbit holes, obsessed over issues, or noticed our monkey minds at work. This kind of mental activity can occur throughout the day, whether we're sitting in a meeting, cooking dinner, taking a walk, or sitting on a meditation cushion. Actually, I fully enjoy rabbit holes while reading, but I don't want to miss out on the present when spending time with friends. Nor do I want to be oblivious to the beauty of the natural environment surrounding me.
That desire to stay present is where this particular self-esteem rabbit hole ultimately led me: back to mindfulness.
Over the years, I've become aware of my own personality traits through self-reflection, but I believe the actual changes I've witnessed in myself have resulted from mindfulness meditation and the habit of being present and aware of my thoughts. I notice when I'm obsessing and when I have negative or judgmental thoughts. I know when I'm triggered. I see these moments as signposts—sometimes pointing toward something that needs healing, other times simply helping me recognize old mental habits that no longer serve me. I am also aware of moments of joy and gratitude and pause to appreciate them.
There's something very powerful that happens when one objectively witnesses their emotions, perceptions, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, and physical sensations without judgment.
Thomas Hübl, a spiritual teacher, talks about this. I'll describe this simplistically in a way that resonates with me: When our minds, bodies, and emotional selves become synchronized in a nonjudgmental state, our wounds may heal, our perspectives may expand, and our beliefs may shift. Aspects of ourselves can integrate into a healthier whole without positive or negative implications. Practicing this kind of nonjudgmental awareness has increased my compassion for others and, surprisingly, compassion for myself. Over time, I think it has also improved my self-esteem.
I have come to view self-esteem, narcissistic tendencies, and codependent patterns as existing along continuums and varying across situations or areas of our lives. We may have high self-esteem in relation to our profession, yet exhibit codependent patterns or feel a lack of belonging in a personal relationship.
If these aspects of ourselves are not static, it seems possible to develop a positive, healthy level of self-esteem that does not involve narcissistic habits or twisting ourselves into people-pleasing pretzels.
I would love to hear your thoughts or questions on this subject.
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